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rdmcmahon
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Name: Ryan
Metro: Nashville
Birthday: 5/26/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: MUSIC! i love music. listening, singing (even though i suck), playing, writing....
Expertise: well i like to think i'm an expert at band stuff, but i'm really not. but thats what college is for
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Occupation: Student
Industry: Music Education
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  tnuirishguy
Member Since:
10/5/2005
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| I'm on the verge of change yet again. All but my guitar and the clothes I'm wearing for the next few days is packed away in boxes and bags. The semester is over and the time has come to leave for the summer. This time is different though. This time I'm not planning on coming back. There are several reasons for my decision. The biggest reason is that I've changed. I'm not the same person that chose to be here three years ago. I don't really know how or why I changed, all i know is that I have.... in a big way. What a long strange trip its been.
Most of you that will read this have known me for a long time. However, I am not the same person I was before. I will admit that I am guilty of putting up a front for the past several months. I know that this change began at the end of the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. Just like the song says, "ripple in still water, when there is no pebble tossed, no wind to blow..." I don't know what started these waves. I gradually became something completely different from what I was before. My thoughts about life have changed drastically. I have kept these changes hidden from most people. I did this partly because of the community I was a part of. I was scared of what others may think of me when they realize that I've become something very different from what they have known. I've felt like I've been trapped inside a box. I don't fit in this box anymore; and I'm done trying to force myself into it. I've realized lately that my fear is no reason to deny my change. This is why I'm leaving; I just don't fit.
I think there might not be such a thing as "normal." Life seems to be just one big process of continual change. I'm going to pursue that life. The first step for me is to just go, to stop trying to force myself into things just because its the "normal" thing to do. So those reading this that have known me, get ready. I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm going to do my best to be who I really am. I know it might be unavoidable, but I hope this does not change the relationships I've made. I love you all, and that will never change.
Let me leave you with this thought from a Grateful Dead tune.
There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
What a long strange trip it still is.....
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There are physical things we can see… like the sun and the moon.
We can see that they work together in this kind of intricate system.
The way that they rise and set is almost as if one heralds the other in
a never ending dance. BUT WHY?
There must be some reason to this perfectly timed dance. There must
some reason for this and many other things that we commonly take for
granted.
We try to explain these things and give them names so that we can
understand them. We do this almost as if we will somehow conquer and
possess them if we can explain them.
But the truth is these things were around long before anybody could
even look upon them. Therefore we can never know them for what they
truly are.
Then you have to consider the intangible things as well; things like
love and compassion. These, like the tangible things, we pretend to
know so well.
I have realized as of late that I know nothing of these things. I cannot explain the purpose or the very existence of them.
Even if I could explain them; how could I prove them? How could I be assured that you knew the same truths? I COULD NOT!
And yet everybody seems to go around like they know the secrets; like
they know the answers to the questions man has asked since his creation.
No man can know what he cannot prove. Even what we can prove to be real
is only real in the sense that it is what we have named it. (exe. The
feeling of love is only called love because we named it such, the
feeling is there no matter what is called)
It seems to be the mission of most people to find the answers, to
somehow discover truth. These people would most likely say that one is
only truly alive when these questions are answered; or at least an
answer is being sought.
I say that true life comes with wonder! I think it is necessity to be astonished at the things we do not know.
If something is real, (whether tangible or not) then it is real and
there is nothing we need to do to explain why. Even our best
explanation for things we have not created ourselves is simply a guess.
Why has astonishment become an unacceptable trait of naivety?
To truly live is to hold certain things as truths simply because you
know they are there; but instead of trying to explain these things,
simply be amazed at the way they impact your life.
I believe I am slowly reaching this point of being alive. The curtain
of the quest for truth and explanation is slowly being raised in front
of me. Like an animal emerging from hibernation I am blinded by the
light of this amazing, unexplainable existence that I can now see. As
my eyes adjust more to the light I become more astonished at just how
bright it really is.
-Ryan | | |
| 4:27am Saturday, Jan 26 |
I leave. I open the door to the
darkness outside and the cold immediately stabs a knife through me.
There is no turning back now. I wander around and I amazed at what I
find. I find other places, where there are other people, and these
people have other ideas. All of these things were previously unknown to
me. I am amazed. None of these things are new though; they have always
been there. I’ve just never seen them before. Is this what the walls of
my life shelter me from? If so, then why? There is no reason to be
afraid of things that are outside of what I’ve always known.
I am taken aback at what I find. The good, the bad, and the ugly, its
all there in this new world I’ve discovered. My spirit is troubled to
know that such things exist. So I decide I need some time to sort
through all my thoughts. It is a cold winter night. I consider going
back to my warm room with everything I’ve previously known; but I
cannot. I need to go to a place alone and away from any influence that
may sway my thoughts as I consider all I have discovered. So I head
into the woods.
I start on a path; I know not where it leads. All I know is that it is
a path I have not traveled as of yet. I feel the icy earth crunch under
my feet. It is still dark and the moon casts no light through the
trees. I stray from the path many times without knowing it. Eventually,
I no longer know if I’m even on the same path I started on. I just keep
moving in whatever direction my current path leads. I am frigid with
cold. Just when it seems to be the darkest hour of the night, a faint
light appears through the trees. The way it contrasts with the present
darkness is the only reason I notice it. I am so desperate for light
that I have no choice but to move to it. I am no longer following any
path but the one I create. My new path is taking me directly towards
this light.
Suddenly, I break through the trees and discover a body of water in
front of me. I am standing on a cliff overlooking a lake. The lack of
trees allows me to view this light in its entirety. It is coming from
the sky. With nowhere else to go, I sit and observe this light. It is
ever changing, and ever growing. There is red and orange, pink and
purple; all blending growing in brightness in this vast display across
the sky. I am fascinated and awestruck at this fantastic sight. A
glance over my shoulder reveals the dark and terrible woods behind me;
yet in front is this glorious beauty.
Then it happens, the source of this beautiful production is revealed.
It bursts over the horizon with such power, such dignity, and such
majesty. Yet this figure also possesses a sense of peace. It is as if
the colors of just a few minutes ago were only heralding the coming of
this great figure. It warms my body with its light. Even the troubles
burdening my spirit seem to melt away with the cold. I sit upon a rock
and feel this warmth surging through my body and my soul. I am at peace.
I realize that this is not a new occurrence. This same glorious display
occurs every morning. I have seen it before. The only difference is now
I know the good, bad ,and ugly I witnessed earlier in the night. That
makes all the difference. In the world I discovered, good can change to
bad, beautiful can become ugly; and yet this thing is constant. The sun
will always rise and grant me warmth and peace. When I can’t find a
path, when my body is the coldest, when my spirit is the most burdened;
the sun will always rise.
I dread to leave this place; but I know I must. I reluctantly turn and
face the woods again. I find that there is no need for my dread! The
new light that is cast from the sun reveals a new path; one I could not
see before when it was dark. I begin down this path and find that the
woods are far less foreboding than they were in the dark. I can see the
paths that I was wandering on. I can see that they all lead to nowhere.
All of them circle around and intertwine in this valley. There was no
way I would have seen the faint first light of the sun if I had not
gotten lost and wandered away from them. I can see the broken branches
caused by my struggle through the underbrush. The path I made took me
to the top of the ridge that shelters this valley; it is from there
that I saw that first light.
I come back to that place I have been for so long. It seems very
different now. Small, naïve, fragile, and precariously close to
breaking, none of these traits were visible before. This is no longer
home for me. I now know of the world outside of these walls, the real
world that I ignorantly sheltered myself from. I have discovered that
there is no need to seek peace in shelter. Peace comes from the
sunrise, and from the creator of that sunrise, the creator of all
things, including me. I have found no greater moment of peace than
watching a sunrise in silence. | | |
| Eureka! I think I may have found it! Simply being alive and appreciating everything else alive and the world around us. I think that is the meaning of life. It is so easy to get caught up in this system we've created; to derive our worth and purpose from what we deem success. None of that really matters. We tend to miss out on so many things; like people, and nature. We want to get our happiness from our success in this "American dream." But I have found in my experience that the happiest I've ever been is when I have very little to do with that dream. Last night was probably one of the times that I've felt the most happiness and contentment in a long time. Simply walking around and drinking coffee with one of my good friends. We stayed up really late, simply talking about all of this and drinking coffee at this little cafe in downtown nashville. I also remember times in the middle of the woods, sitting around with friends, or sitting alone on the beach at night, when that same feeling of contentment, happiness, and just "rightness" (for lack of a better word) came over me. That is what it's about, although other things are important, like education and a career and everything else this system is about, thats not what life is all about. I don't ever want to lose sight of what i have found. I will work in this system and be a part of it, but my life is about so much more. Here's a little bit of a song by Brett Dennen that says this alomost perfectly. When I heard the news,
My heart fell on the floor
I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore
In these troubled times its hard enough as it is
My soul has a known a better life than this
I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,
While others dont seem to feel a thing
Then I curse my whiteness,
and I get so damn depressed,
In a world with suffering,
Why should I be so blessed?
I heard about a woman who lives in Colorado,
She built a monoment of sorts behind the garage door
Where everyday she prays for all whom are born
And all whose souls have passed on.
Sometimes my trouble gets so thick
I can't see how I'm gonna get through it
but then I'd rather be stuck up in a tree
Then be tied to it
There is so much more.
I don't feel comfortable witt the way my clothes fit
I cant get used to my bodys limits
I got some fancy shoes to try and chase away these blues
They cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing
I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete
I need to get out of this city
Lay apon the ground stare a hole in the sky
Wondering where I go when I die
When I die. | | |
| so, its been a little while.... not much has happened in the mean time. just the everyday stuff of summer. anyway, school is about to start again. i just finished moving back into the dorm, and i am strangly full of energy at this early hour. so i figured i'd log on and tell you all a few things. I feel like I am at a huge turning point in my life yet again. Late this summer, i decided to change my major. I am not giving up on music. I fully intend to remain involved in music. I want to keep playing in the bands and maybe someday be a part of a high school band, even if i'm not the band director. but anyway, the past two years have made me realize that music is much more of a hobby than what i want to make my profession. so i'm switching to special education. Dad has done it for years, therefore, i've been around it for a long time and i can clearly see the need and the opportunity in this feild. also, along with music, it has long been something i've wanted to be involved in.as i have said before, for us students, at least for me, it seems my year begins in august and ends in may. the summer is this kind of in-between time so here i am, about to start a new year, with a new major. its about more than just a new year.... its a new start. | | |
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